What I have discovered on this rough journey, is that the sun comes up everyday and there is no one in this world who can prevent you from being happy, nor anyone in this world who will define your happiness for you. There are just people who will show they want to be with you and if you have someone in your life not doing that... they don't deserve to be there~

The key word is "deserve"...

My effort to be drama free goes beyond the pretentiousness of just saying it everyday. I have removed people from my life. Friends, family..., whoever views me as a sounding board  for the problems in their life as if their life is my fault, have been removed from my contacts list, screened on my phone, messages not returned, and mail stamped return to sender.

It sounds harsh and uncaring, but the necessity is for my own self preservation if you will. I was so busy being a friend to everyone that I had no time for anyone to be a friend to me...and I thought that was ok~

It wasn't and I now find myself standing alone, but not from a negative perspective, but rather from a very positive one. I have the strength and wherewithal to stand alone. Happy with my service to those who asked for it as well as to those who took advantage of it. That final statement still falls on my shoulders as I allowed it to happen. But I am strong enough to know without a doubt that I can live just for me...

Stay positive,

8/3/12

From then till now... I discovered lost feelings, started and lost a relationship but defined friendship as well as strengthened my relationship with God! I discovered through being honest with myself that selfishness was deeply rooted in me and I learned to release it. I learned that I am a jealous man as much as I deny the title, my actions defined me differently, so I am working on releasing that as well. I learned the power of faith and witnessed the strength and courage of someone who walks in that faith. I am now walking in that faith as well and pray that my courage and strength grows so as to sustain this path I am on now.

From then till now... My heart was filled and emptied and refilled again with new found faith, yet and still there is an undeniable pain that will last for awhile. My heart hurts because I still fall for her every day and hope eternal for something more. That will never go away and I will never give up on that hope, but the balance between that which I desire and hope for and the friendship that continues to grow is only differentiated by my understanding of my own selfishness. At the end of the day I only want for her happiness. That is all that matters and that statement must be and will be reflected in my actions moving forward.

From then till now... I have learned compassion, how to be a better christian and most definitely gained motivation to be a better man. My mind is no longer crowded and though spontaniety abounds more freely, I follow Gods plan for my life and am at peace with each day I am blessed with.

from then til now... I have learned so much and am more open to the possibilities as I have also closed the door on my past. Moving forward and holding on. More patience, closer to God, walking and running in faith with eyes wide open and selfless... It feels so good to be this happy, even with a pain in my heart I am happy.

6/13/12

Today was a bit surreal for me...

I witnessed the emotions of loosing a family member that had been around for 99 years.I experienced the love of family and friends and the positivity they shared between one another. I felt true appreciation for my presence as well as their acceptance of me into their family.

I let go and shared openly my joys as of late and the new adventure I was on as well as who had become a motivating force in my life. Needless to say the women of the house all grew more curious...lol

At the end of the day I felt brand new. I was so full of hope for what could be and my thoughts were filled with what my new life would be like...

Then with a sudden and brutal impact, reality hit me. All this time I have been stating that which I wanted and had not fully accepted that the one I defined as in my future was not yet as certain of her own future.

I feel bad, sad, perplexed, and a bit selfish...

This day has been surreal to say the least simply because I have run the gambit of emotions and now simply want to sleep.

6/10/12

It appears that time stands still for no one as I have not tended to my blog in quite awhile.

Since my last entry, I have been in transition if you will. (movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.)

The objective of life...at least my objective in life, is to improve as a person. At this point, I have concluded that I need a physical change, both from location as well as body in order to affect a change in my spiritual and mental well being. That determination has evolved over the last year due to the people in my life and my own proclivities towards helping others.

I recently was blessed with a gift from my lady. That gift was a Joyce Meyers sermon on "Forgiveness" in a cd set. It was to say the least, an affirmation to this necessary change. I learned that although I own my choices and the consequences of those choices, I lived in a state of penance because I never thought to forgive myself for any transactions against anyone. My failed past relationships, my failed efforts to support family or friends all were constant burdens I carried as punishment for things I did as far back as my youth... I have learned to let go and let God and I now receive each day without worry. This has allowed me to stop over thinking every decision I was faced with. I no longer question everything as if I were afraid of the potential consequences.

I now see my life a bit clearer and realize that I am living in service of others who have no real concern for my well being.  I am surrounded daily by negativity and at one point thought that my purpose was to somehow change the perspective of those who thrive in negativity. I now know that I simply endured as self inflicted penance. I need to remove myself from this situation and step away from the borderline depression I failed to see that I was in.

I now work out daily, smile daily, pray daily and will be quitting a job I don't like and starting one that better suits my skill sets. I am now living my life with plans for a future for me while improving my relationship with God.

In less than one month the thoughts of a required change became definitive steps towards that change and since, I have been blessed with the most positive inspirational person I have ever met. My lady Sherri.

Things are what they are, but I now see everything from a much better perspective so it all looks brand new...

5/29/12

Sat and talked with God this evening... Long intimate talk about everything, because I was overwhelmed with emotions and could only pray about it.

I am so blessed and so humbled by this young ladies presence in my life that I let go completely... I seriously do not know how to handle the reality of these feelings. I am so connected to her that I am walking away from the life I have to build a life with her and it feels like the right thing to do.

I have already deleted "friends" from my life and do not miss them. I am letting go of all the negativity and following this path because it was laid in front of me at the right time, in the right way... I have not yet held her hand, felt her kiss or held her in my arms, but I have felt her heart and soul, through her words, through her pictures. We share our days and nights through texts and e-mails and phone conversations and we laugh and smile and talk openly.

I have a beautiful lady that has chosen me out of all others she could have chosen... she chose me!

There is this joy that I feel that is beyond words or expressions and I thank God for this gift. I am going to show my appreciation everyday, because she deserves to be appreciated daily...

I am really trying to accept the fact that I deserve to be this happy.

5/27/2012

I now exist in two places... Not so much as before where I would spend time in my mind as my reprieve from the expectations of my reality. This existence is real, as I am able to experience through every one of my senses each shared moment and I am there with her.

I am there when she wakes, witnessing her smile as it rivals the beauty of the morning sunrise. I cheer her on as she starts her race hoping to exceed her previous time and there at the finish line when she accomplishes her goal. I am there with her in every shared moments because she cares enough to bring me there through the passion in which she describes her day.

I am blessed and thankful for her presence and equally motivated to be a better man just because I know that she deserves the best of me, not that she demands anything at all, rather she is the opposite and asks for nothing and wants nothing, she shares because she cares and she accepts me as I am right now...

I am captured in moments with her. Anticipating each conversation, lost in every word as I piece together her history as if I was hired to be her personal scribe to her memoires...she shares openly.

I have not been here before... this place of complete certainty, no fear and complete faith. This is euphoric and I yearn to reside in this place forever.

I am hopelessly and completely... hers~

5/26/2012

Have you ever wondered?  Out loud or in your mind... where you were or what you were doing when all those sunrises and sunsets passed you by without you noticing?

I think I have been distracted most of my life by the fact that I was looking for who I am supposed to be in all the wrong places, because once I lost what I thought defined me, (the material things, the people who boosted my ego, the job that I hated but offered me "status" if you will...) I was able to receive a clearer vision of life over all... I notice every sunrise and sunset, how greener the grass and leaves are after the rain, the way the river rises and falls and how it flows fast or slow... but most importantly, I notice how Sherri sees the world and I don't have to question her view. I just listen and can see clearly what she sees, feel what she feels and its pretty amazing to me.

I have seen snails many times in my life, but yesterday I saw a snail for the first time ever through Sherri's perspective... it was beautiful and passionate and hilarious and memorable. A SNAIL!!! yes. I feel so free because I have this blessing. I can see. I am no longer blinded by stress, drama, negativity, false successes or instant gratifications. That realization, I thought came suddenly, but now know that it was just accepted suddenly.

Having someone become so close to you that they bring you into their day with their words and give you an opportunity to literally be in two places at one time is an amazing experience. That is the beauty of sharing a life with someone. being in a real relationship where you just are yourself and they are themselves and everything else becomes appreciation for learning something new about one another.

I wonder how much of this I missed when I was distracted for so long...?

I wont miss anything now...

5/21/2012

The flood gates have opened and the heart over flows... I have been smiling all day.

I have never felt so connected, appreciated, transformed, inspired, happy or mesmerized as I have felt over the past few days.
This joy I reside in now has been a blessed gift that will be forever cherished and the provider of such a wonderful gift reminded daily of just how "special" (wink) she is and will always be to me.

There were several moments in natural conversations where I had an epiphany; (a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.) That created for me a sudden and overwhelming reason to fall for her all over again as if for the first time...

Today I became defined in this fact: I will spend the rest of my life showing her how I feel because 2000 miles separate us now and there have been too many words and not enough proof to really, truly pay tribute to the positive motivating force she is for me.

This is a statement made with full clarity and much time invested in deep thought...this is not random, but rather my mission.

I am deeply and hopefully... I can't wait to see her and show her what she already knows.

5/18/2012

Chaos ensues... left the House at 5:30 am and walked back in at 6:30 pm...
Way too much time to thunk about everything all at once... It started perfectly with a message from my angelic guide through all of this...a reminder to capture the sunrise for the day and share it with those who like to remain in their alternate realities...yes, a jealous statement of sorts... I tried to capture that moment just southwest of Lake Calhoun as I am turning into the sun. That captured view carried me for about an hour at which point, I began receiving emails one right after the other with instructions directing me everywhere all at once.The first onslaught of chaos. It took me 20 minutes just to organize my thoughts and define next steps for accomplishing the requests. It is only 7:30 am.

At 11: 20 am, I have put in almost 200 miles and am waiting for the next instructions roasting literally, in this unbearable heat. Thirty-five minutes pass and another chaotic wave occurs. Needless to say the reason I am just walking in the door 13 hours after I left is simply chaos.

However, throughout this chaos... I witnessed beauty incarnate. The kind of beauty only the eye of an angel would be able to point out and direct your attention to, for this beauty created such a calm in my otherwise hectic day. There were no overwhelming urges to be there instead of here... it was simply that moment of clarity if you will.

The clarity to know that your journey is not as long as you think or any less pertinent to those that cross your path, for if you remain steady and on course, eventually you will find someone on a parallel journey... Just cant jump across because it looks good right now or feels good right now, or consumes your thoughts right now... stay the course.

5/16/2012

wrestling with the spotaneity more so now than ever today... The road becomes more and more enticing each morning when I travel down hwy 35 south. The lure is powerful to keep going until I am where I believe I need to be, yet and still that established time also means something...it is there like an elephant in the room. Obvious and ominous.

Patience is required for sustainability and that is the ultimate goal, however each daily journey grows the anticipation and fuels the spotaneity...I want to be there in that moment now, but understand the importance of waiting for those moments to come... besides these are not my moments, but rather shared moments that must be appreciated... cherished, remembered, and from that this room I am making in my mind will be better prepared for that which is yet to be.

But spotaneity is becoming more difficult to control and I, after letting go and letting God, may not feel it necessary any longer... but I digress and am reminded that these are those thoughts that are discarded from my daily mindscape.. however, my heart now becomes a factor!

5/15/12

Today started with a beautiful view and I held that image all day long... then reality picked a huge fight with me and it almost got to the point where I couldnt walk away.

These are those moments where  faith  carries you through. You just have that conversation with God and let him handle it and allow your mind to refill with those thoughts that inspire, provide hope and creativity. If you hold onto these moments they tend to overflow onto those who care about you and become burdens in thier world... (my reality moment was my driver side wheel came off while I was driving) My frustration was it was my project car that I just fixed another issue on. My obstacle was that I had no one to call for support...

Now it is released.

I managed to fix it enough to get it home and saved myself the cost of the tow. I found a part online that will create a permanent fix at half the cost.

Throughout this entire ordeal, my thoughts were still filled with how this affects my potential new journey. That journey that each new day brings me closer to. I suppose I now know that I have much more preparations to to make in order to recieve this gift that awaits. Perhaps another lesson in patience is required in order to fully appreciate what awaits...

If I openly share my emotions does that negate the natural progression of things? If I don't openly share my emotions then am I not being myself and allowing the natural progression of things to occur...

Those are my daily decisions that affect my journey...

5/15/2012

First thing in the morning... 4:45 am.

My alarm clock is going off and I slowly awake from my alternate reality only slightly confused as to which reality I am supposed to be awake in... I grab my laptop to check my schedule for the day and am quickly reminded of the my new desktop photo. I am reminded of my last thoughts of the previous night and am quickly inspired to meet this new day and start this new journey...

There is so much to do and all I can hope for is to keep myself so busy that days and nights become a blur... for three... more... months!

The anticipation often feels like a punishment that I will be freed from at a certain moment in time and in my mind, I am now consumed with figuring out the whole space time continuum so that I can somehow get there sooner than later... So I run.

5/14/2012

I have the opportunity to take a wonderful journey to somehwere I have wanted go all my life. Yet... in order to get there, I have embarked on a series of smaller journeys, all of which continue to create an overwhelming anticpation to begin the proverbial final journey.

The key to succesful completion is spotaneity, which has become the antithesis to my over analyzing thought process, yet and still, I have been blessed with this angelic guide if you will... My muse as it were. That constant reminder of the true value in allowing the natural progression of things to simply occur, while at the same time that vivid visual of the ultimate destination.

A bit oxymoronic...however, these are those thoughts discarded in order for my mindscape to be presentable enough to allow someone else a clearer view~