6/13/12

Today was a bit surreal for me...

I witnessed the emotions of loosing a family member that had been around for 99 years.I experienced the love of family and friends and the positivity they shared between one another. I felt true appreciation for my presence as well as their acceptance of me into their family.

I let go and shared openly my joys as of late and the new adventure I was on as well as who had become a motivating force in my life. Needless to say the women of the house all grew more curious...lol

At the end of the day I felt brand new. I was so full of hope for what could be and my thoughts were filled with what my new life would be like...

Then with a sudden and brutal impact, reality hit me. All this time I have been stating that which I wanted and had not fully accepted that the one I defined as in my future was not yet as certain of her own future.

I feel bad, sad, perplexed, and a bit selfish...

This day has been surreal to say the least simply because I have run the gambit of emotions and now simply want to sleep.

6/10/12

It appears that time stands still for no one as I have not tended to my blog in quite awhile.

Since my last entry, I have been in transition if you will. (movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.)

The objective of life...at least my objective in life, is to improve as a person. At this point, I have concluded that I need a physical change, both from location as well as body in order to affect a change in my spiritual and mental well being. That determination has evolved over the last year due to the people in my life and my own proclivities towards helping others.

I recently was blessed with a gift from my lady. That gift was a Joyce Meyers sermon on "Forgiveness" in a cd set. It was to say the least, an affirmation to this necessary change. I learned that although I own my choices and the consequences of those choices, I lived in a state of penance because I never thought to forgive myself for any transactions against anyone. My failed past relationships, my failed efforts to support family or friends all were constant burdens I carried as punishment for things I did as far back as my youth... I have learned to let go and let God and I now receive each day without worry. This has allowed me to stop over thinking every decision I was faced with. I no longer question everything as if I were afraid of the potential consequences.

I now see my life a bit clearer and realize that I am living in service of others who have no real concern for my well being.  I am surrounded daily by negativity and at one point thought that my purpose was to somehow change the perspective of those who thrive in negativity. I now know that I simply endured as self inflicted penance. I need to remove myself from this situation and step away from the borderline depression I failed to see that I was in.

I now work out daily, smile daily, pray daily and will be quitting a job I don't like and starting one that better suits my skill sets. I am now living my life with plans for a future for me while improving my relationship with God.

In less than one month the thoughts of a required change became definitive steps towards that change and since, I have been blessed with the most positive inspirational person I have ever met. My lady Sherri.

Things are what they are, but I now see everything from a much better perspective so it all looks brand new...